StopNShop, ShopRite, ShopRong, and Woopee supermarkets, as well as dozens of supermarket
chains around the country, are having a hard time keeping up with a sudden explosion of consumer demand for carrots in the United States.
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| Can't get enough carrots! |
Recently, due to the impact of drought, climate change,
and Republican debates, U.S. carrot production has sunk to record low levels
and wholesalers and distributors have turned to Mexican producers to
fill the
demand.
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| Carrots |
According to The Carrot Institute’s Director of Medium-Size Carrots,
Bugs “Wisenheimer” Bunny, the carrot industry was caught off-guard.
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| Bunny |
“We’ve had a pretty steady year-to-year level of demand for decades and our
supply chain is well-established.
But since imports from Mexico began in
the past few months we’ve experienced a growth rate of something like 900
percent”, said Bunny. “All I can say is ‘What’s up, Doc?’. That's how impressive this is.”
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| Every vehicle in Mexico is mobilized! |
According to one Mexican carrot farm owner, who owns 30,800 acres of carrot production, Pancho Villa Zapata Frank Zappa Bastante
Mierda de Toro, the American demand gives Mexico a chance to showcase its unique hybrid carrots.
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| Mierda |
"Sí, producimos las zanahorias de primera calidad con una fórmula genética que los hace excepcionalmente satisfactoria y eficaz," said Mierda.
(trans. Yes, we produce the finest quality carrots with a genetic formula that makes them exceptionally satisfying and effective).
Consumer Debbie Spacklebaum, interviewed at Squeegee Mart in Welbutrin, Tennessee,
bought 10 lbs. of carrots. “I’m incredibly lucky that I got this amount.
It was not cheap but my entire family loves these carrots, especially
the children,” said Spackelbaum.
“All I
hear from them constantly is ‘more carrots, Mom’.
Finally, my kids have discovered vegetables and
I believe they’re better for them than Cheetos!”
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| Tina Spacklebaum, age 6 months, adores carrots! |
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| Spacklebaum scores! |
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| Family dog, Chapo, loves carrots, too! |
Carrot Analyst at Goldman Sachs, Carol Radish, has been monitoring the impact
on the financial markets.
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| Radish |
“This spike in demand has caused some big
gains in agriculture stocks, especially in companies that grow carrots in Mexico and are listed on the exchanges
in the United States and around the world,” said Radish.
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| Market frenzy! | |
Leading the pack is Sinaloan Cartel (NYSE:THC) which has captured a
market share of over 90 percent of carrot imports to the United States.
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| More market share!! |
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| Market share! |
Joaquin Guzman, CEO of Sinaloan Cartel, who is temporarily serving 400 years
in Mexico’s highest security prison, was unavailable for comment as was
Sinaloan Cartel Communications Director, Sean Penn.
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| Guzman |
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| Penn |
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| Sinaloa, home to high-quality carrots and giant arrows. |
Asked about what might be causing this new excitement over carrots, we spoke
with Director of Carrot and Legume Biochemistry, Dr. Dean Beetroot, of the Food and Drug Administration.
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| Dr. Beetroot |
“We’ve sampled these carrots from Mexico and we had to go out and get about
four more bags and more Cheetos,” said Beetroot.
“Right now our data is all over the place and we are currently examining
Bugs Bunny cartoons.
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| Latest data! |
"But in between all this, we did manage to
figure out that there is a very, very high level of Vitamin THC
(tetrahydrocannabinol) in these carrots. Vitamin THC is essential for mental and spiritual health.”
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| Vitamin THC molecule rendered by Dr. Beetroot's team |
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Martha Acorn, owner of the MopNGlow bakery in Eerie, Pennsylvania, had this to
say: “I’m making these carrot cakes at such a humongous rate that I had to hire
the best Mexican bakers I could find and we’re humping 24/7. Did I just say that?”
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| Loaded with Vitamin THC! |
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| Acorn |
Reached for comment, the White House said that, instead of cookies, carrots will be served at his
Cabinet meetings.
The
president’s press secretary, Bruce Hydroponic, had this to say:
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| Hydroponic |
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| President |
“The President and the First Lady have been promoting healthy natural foods since
Day One,” said Hydroponic.
“Carrots are essential
for mental and spiritual health, so the President has decided to replace the traditional cookies at Cabinet meetings with carrots."
Hydroponic added, "This is also an
example of the positive impact of trade agreements with Mexico that have been established for quite some
time and that benefit both the American economy as well as hard working aliens from the planet Dogma.”
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| U.S. Secretary of Agriculture, Dick Spinrad |
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| Planet Dogma, seen from The White House |
Professor of Economics and Carrot Behavior at Texas A&M University
of Texas, "Snoop" Drubbly-Root, said, "Because of squeezed supply and
massive demand, the street price for carrots is already skyrocketing. At this point, it's a cash-only business, leveraging demand and consumer
liquidity. From an economic standpoint, it's almost like the drug
trade."
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| Drubbly-Root |
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| Harding |
Investor Warren G. Harding, of Weedworld, Mexico, said "I'm going long on THC. This is a stock that you should sit on and watch create investor value."
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| Mexican carrots creating investor value! |
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| Harding's office. Talk about investor value!!! |
For additional insight into carrot nutrition, click here:
http://bit.ly/1ZANZlO
