TSA Set To Announce 2015 Record Profit By Panhandling at Airports!

Last April, 2015, CNBC, and Matthew DeBord, Business Insider’s transportation editor and commenter on "America Now With Andy Dean" broke the story about the 2013 Transportation Safety Administration’s record profit of $638,142.64 in coins and currency as a result of their innovative TSA Panhandling Program or “PP” (pron. Pee Pee).  According to DeBord’s investigative reporting, the trend shows approximately15 percent growth each year since 2011.

  

Looks like JFK is leading the pack!

The 2015 whisper number on Wall Street is $1,000,000.

Why have travelers been so generous?

Victor Frisbee, spokesman for the TSA, said, “We put a bit of loose change into an ad agency called Forced Entry and they came up with the headline ‘Spare Change for Shorter Lines’.  That’s what started it all, and based on what we've been counting already from 2015 I think we’re going to hit the $1,000,000 target, without question.”

Frisbee

Frisbee added, “What’s exciting about the PeePee program is that the lines of people who want to donate are longer than our processing and screening lines.  PeePee is making all the difference!”

Travelers are eager to donate!

de HulaHoop

We spoke with George de HulaHoop, the TSA’s Director of the PP Spare Change Organizing Department, who commented, 

“This isn’t as easy as it sounds.  We get coins from all over the place.  Like, we have coins that are tiny and have monkeys on them. So we have to do all the research, analysis, and currency conversion to figure out that the monkey coins are worth about $0.0003 U.S."

 

"We get coins with rats on them and others we just can't figure out."

The Night Shift of the TSA's PeePee Spare Change Organizers at work at JFK!

Nonetheless, Lillian Boyer, 63, of Monkeyville, Iguanaland, is happy to donate.  “I think shorter lines are a great idea.  That way I can get naked and body searched even faster!”

http://read.bi/1mFz4p7 

Royalty: Big Day for Prince George!

Prince George, 2, celebrated his first day of school on Wednesday, attending Westacre Montessori School nursery in Norfolk, England.  Montessori refers to an educational style that emphasizes independent learning and respect for the child's psychological development.  Sporting a quilted navy coat with brown elbow patches and a powder blue backpack, George looked more than ready to learn new things and make some new friends!  

Within one hour the little Prince had a total meltdown.

Rushed to the Westacre Montessori School Infirmary, which encourages youngsters to create their own prescriptions using independent learning, the Prince confessed that he has some real issues. “Already things are unbelievably weird”, said the Prince, “My father says stuff like ‘I never used to really kind of sort of get too wound up or worried about things’.  What the hell is he saying?”

Asked about the Westacre Montessori School, the Prince bristled.  “Listen, I know my parents just want to get rid of me because all they care about is my sister.  Why don’t they just kill me now and all their problems will be solved?”

Encouraged by Westacre Montessori School R.N. Deborah Spheroid, the Prince used his independent learning to create a nursery school version of OxyContin.  “This ought to do the trick”, said Prince George as he was escorted to an awaiting horse drawn carriage.  Added George, pointing to the eight horses, carriage, and ensemble, “Look at this, will you?! WTF?”, and entered the carriage with help from 12 footmen sporting quilted navy coats with brown elbow patches, powder blue backpacks, and AR-15’s.

Prince William earlier this year at the Staines Rivet Society Dedication

Contacted today at the Leighton Buzzard Annual Asparagus Festival, Prince William, Prince George’s father, said, “I never used to really kind of sort of get too wound up or worried about things.”

 

Special thanks to CBS Interactive Inc., the volunteers from the Leighton Buzzard Annual Asparagus Festival, and Deb Spheroid, R.N., for contributing to this article. 

Skywriting Bounces Back From the Great Recession!

Largely due to the poor results from advertising dollars being pumped into TV, print, radio, and the so-called “Internet”, skywriting has made a very big comeback, creating new jobs for retired and still living skywriting pilots.

Part of the fun of skywriting is figuring out what they're writing!

 

Skywriting 101: Let's Look at the Facts!

Most sources attribute the development of skywriting (1922) to John C. "Crazyass" Savage, an Englishman. 

Savage

Savage showing his then girlfriend, Lillian Boyer, "the ropes"
from his single-seat Curtiss C4-50A Gekko

In that year, Captain Cyril "Rocketboy" Turner wrote "Daily Mail" over England and "Hello Kitty" over New York. The American Tobacco Co. then picked up the technique for their "Cheap Imperialist" brand cigarettes.

"Rocketboy" Turner

The first skywriting for advertising was in 1922. Pepsi bottlers started a skywriting craze that was briefly eclipsed by a Chinese Laundry which caused a number of pilot fatalities due to the complexity of Mandarin Chinese.

Sorry, no Fortune Cookies today!

April 8, 1924, Savage received a patent for “Method of producing advertising signs of smoke in the air” (US Patent 1,489,717).

April 9, 1924, Spelling became a big problem.

Modern day spell checking

Executing an ampersand in Times Roman!

A letter can be as high as one mile and take 60-90 seconds to create.

A message can stretch up to fifteen miles.


The best conditions of course are few clouds, little or no wind, and cooler temperatures. Then the letters may be seen for 30 miles in any direction and can last 20 minutes, but this can vary according the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration's Hurricane Analysis Division.


Writing occurs usually at altitudes from 7,000-17,000 feet, about the same altitude favored by an A-10 Warthog.

A-10 Warthog saving lives by skywriting in Arabic during the Gulf War.

Retired B90-5B Weasel, a poor skywriting performer!

The paraffin oil that creates the smoke vaporizes at 1500° in the heat of the plane’s exhaust and is environmentally safe, except when the paraffin oil congeals into 300 lb. wax balls that drop to Earth at 434 MPH and hurt a tree.

Occasional environmental impact.

The skywriting that appeared in the movie, “Oops, I'm Going to Crash”, was done by special effects in a tank with a Carnuaba Wax, vodka, and grapefruit mixture.

Scene from “Oops, I'm Going to Crash”.  The grapefruit mixture makes it incredibly realistic.

One company in New York “writes” more than 50 marriage proposals a year in the sky.  Due to the lack of qualified skywriting pilots, they've only made it as far as 1956.  Other skywriting companies throughout the United States have also seen a resurgence of business.

 

Earl Schnorer, spokesman for the Skywriting Pilots Association, said this, "The business we're getting is incredible.  We have no idea what we're writing up there.  At this point we're hiring only pilots with X-Box experience."

Schnorer

Asked about the strain on available equipment, Schnorer said, "We have to move past the biplane thing. We're looking at some retiring B-52s. There aren't a lot, which is why we have to grab what we can. But one thing I can tell you is that while they are not terribly maneuverable they can deliver a message.  That's what any advertiser wants. "

There are no words to describe the sensational taste of Starkist Tuna!