VLAD: Comrade Trump! How's it going?
TRUMP: Well, Happy New Year to you Mr. Chairman! Everything seems to be going according to plan.
VLAD: That's great to hear. How's the wife, the kids?
TRUMP: Never better. You know my son Barron's Russian lessons are really coming along! Not only that, but he's a real whiz at computers! He thanks you, by the way, for the caviar. He says it's way better than peanut butter!
VLAD: Excellent! I hope he and I can joke around in Russian in the not too distant future. I'm a little like you, I hate computers and have other people on that stuff.
TRUMP: And you? How's everything?
VLAD: Just fine. You know, I've always got things I want to get done, but this is Russia, so it takes some patience. Not like in the U.S.A.
TRUMP: I hear you. But it's a new year and I am putting together the new collectivization program and I've hired a Cabinet of experts who know how to collect, if you know what I mean.
VLAD: I do. And speaking of that I've got a few banks here in Russian that want to collect on their loans to you. You know, for Atlantic City and other things that aren't already in receivership.
Now, this is Russia, so no need to panic. But I was wondering if we can talk about things like the Virgin Islands, Rhode Island, Wisconsin, Ohio, Michigan, and Pennsylvania.
We've had this conversation before, and I can handle the Russian banks if we can make some sort of arrangement.
TRUMP: Well, you know me, Mr. The Art of the Deal!
VLAD: That's good. You are indeed!
TRUMP: All right, so let's get down to brass tacks. $300 billion for the whole lot.
VLAD: Comrade, are you joking? You only owe $900 million to our banks!
TRUMP: More than enough to settle that debt.
VLAD: But Comrade Trump, how can you justify this?
TRUMP: Well, you're annexing about, I would say, roughly 4% of our GDP. Think of all the beaches in the Virgin Islands, the seafood from Rhode Island, the cheese from Wisconsin, coal mines in Pennsylvania, and I can't remember the stuff in Ohio and Michigan. Oh, tires and cars, maybe. If you can pick all these things up for $300 billion, that's a bargain. Plus I can get some nice tax abatements. I'm really good at tax abatements.
VLAD: All right, what else?
TRUMP: The main thing is branding. You know, where you put your sign up and everybody remembers you and buys your stuff? We're going to have to change the names of these things to Trump-this or Trump-that. I've got to work on that, like instead of Ohio, it'll be Trump-Hi-Ho. Rhode Island will be easy: Trump Island. Same for the Virgin Islands, just plural. Maybe Trumpslavania for Pennyslvania. My wife will be happy about that! Michigan? Not sure. Maybe Trumpigan? How does that sound? The licensing fee for changing these names will probably add up to another $100 billion.
VLAD: I don't know. Now I know why people say that you are the shrewd negotiator that you are.
TRUMP: I'm smart, very smart. I know I am because people tell me this all the time.
VLAD: Listen, this is all well and good, and I'm sure we can arrange a larger annexation deal in the near future, but how about if we start small. Like a handbag and accessory deal for your daughter in Crimea.
TRUMP: Sold!
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