"Mr. Gury, Mr. Trump would like to speak with you."

I had contacted his campaign months ago.  Suddenly, today, I get a call!!

While I scrambled around in the sand outside, tripping on my flip-flops and tearing my skin off racing through saw grass looking for a cellphone signal, there he was on the phone!

Finally!!  I scored a couple of minutes interviewing Donald Trump on behalf of the Placencia Paragoric, a publication in Belize, where I live, that has yet to exist!   

DONALD J. TRUMP:  Hello, Michael!  I've got a couple of minutes.  Fire away!

ME:  Thank you, Mr. Trump, for accepting my invitation for a brief interview.

DONALD J. TRUMP:  Thanks for the invitation.  Usually it’s from some cunt at Fox News.

ME:  So how do you feel?  I mean you’ve been on the road for well over a year seeking the presidency of the United States.

DONALD J. TRUMP:   I’m feeling really excited.  I get energized by the crowds I meet.  Thanks to Dr. Bornstein, I feel like Superman.  I’m absolutely certain we’re going to win in November. 

Dr. Bornstein, moments before conducting an outpatient procedure.

 

ME:  What gives you that impression?

DONALD J. TRUMP:  Well, there are just so many people that want a real leader instead of Lyin’ Hillary, and they tell me all the time that Donald Trump has got to run this country. 

ME:  Early in the campaign, you were citing your poll numbers.  You haven’t talked about them recently.

DONALD J. TRUMP:  We have a lot of issues to talk about like crime, Mexicans, Muslims, ISIS, Anthony Weiner, how I’m going to save the U.S. economy.

ME:  And how are you going to save the economy?

DONALD J. TRUMP:  I’ve talked about it, but it’s complicated.  You can’t do these things overnight, you know.

ME:  But give me some idea about how you would improve the economy.

DONALD J. TRUMP:  As I’ve said, we can’t keep funding countries on the Russian border.   And we won’t have to because I know more about Russia than anyone other than Sarah Palin, who can see the place from her kitchen, OK?   You don't run the Miss Universe pageant in Russia and not know who's who, let me tell you that. 

Mexico’s going to have to fork over cash for The Wall, we need to get rid of 11 million illegal aliens who are draining this country non-stop, stop Muslims from getting in and terrorizing us, get rid of anything that has to do with China, kill the trade agreements, reduce taxes for wealthy people like me and corporations and enable them to stash trillions of dollars outside the U.S.  Once you do that stuff, bingo!, you can afford an apartment in Trump Tower, although certain restrictions may apply.

ME:  So, just on one point, how is the exit of 11 million people from U.S. soil going to work?  And how much is that going to cost?

DONALD J. TRUMP:   I can’t really talk about that.  I have the smartest people.

ME:  Well, is this going to be like trucks and soldiers driving up to a family’s house and pulling them out at gunpoint and everybody’s crying and screaming?  Then they get on trains, planes and boats?

DONALD J. TRUMP:   I can’t really talk about that.  I have the smartest people.  Maybe the Second Amendment people have something to say about that, too.  I don’t know.

ME:  North Korea.  You’ve said you admire Kim Jong Un.  Have you had much contact with him lately?

DONALD J. TRUMP:   We talk once and a while, but The Glorious Leader has this thing called a “Purge” and he’s really about law and order, and I am the Law and Order candidate, as you know.  He’s a tough guy, takes care of things, and as the result his country is pretty stable, as we should be.

ME:  There was news today that he executed two senior people in his inner circle by taking them to a military airport and killing them with anti-aircraft weapons.  This isn't the first time he's done this sort of thing.  One of the men was accused of falling asleep during a recent speech by Mr. Kim.

DONALD J. TRUMP:   If anyone falls asleep during one of my speeches it’s going to be pretty ugly, pretty ugly, and I’m not kidding!   Look, I know more about weapons than any General, OK?   You use the weapons that will do the job.  Anti-aircraft guns, atom bombs, whatever.   And I can tell you, that as President, I'm going to make sure we’re going to have so many weapons your head will spin.

"Hey Donald, don't be a stranger!"

ME:  Final question, since our readers in Belize are interested.  We are anticipating some increase in the expat population as this election progresses.  What should we expect?

DONALD J. TRUMP:   Well for one thing, the U.S. is no longer going to pay your dues to NATO to protect your border with Russia.

ME:  Thank you, Mr. Trump, for your time.  You’ve pretty much answered my questions.  I can tell you right now, you are going to be Time Magazine’s Person of the Year.

DONALD J. TRUMP:  Thanks Michael, I feel I deserve it.

ME:  You certainly do!