ET Signal Source Discovered!

Reports late last week that a radio telescope had picked up a strange signal coming from HD 164595, a star located roughly 94 million light years away, sent scientists around the world into a frenzy.

The signal!

 Over the weekend radio telescopes everywhere spun around and pointed at HD 164595 hoping to tune-in to the mysterious signal.



 


 

The SETI (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence) Institute immediately turned its own Allen Telescope Array in California toward the source of the mysterious signal.

"A little more to the left, Frank!"

"Right, to the right, I said to the right, Benno!

According to Scientific American on Tuesday: “(The signal) could have been created by aliens, but more likely results from an Earth-orbiting satellite or other contamination (terrestrial interference).”

In spite of all the monitoring of HD 164595, results were negative.  

But today SETI’s telescopes picked up a very strong signal perfectly matching the reported signal from HD 164595 as Donald Trump’s aircraft flew over the SETI Allen Array on his way to a meeting with the President of Mexico.

“We now believe that Donald Trump's hair is the source of the contamination," said Dr. Sanjay Beetrot, Investigative Astronomer.



"We know that his hair is made from highly unusual metallic threads of unknown origin, is shaped like a flat transmitter/receiver, and it has caused disturbances and terrestrial interference in the past,” .

Trump's Hair

The Universe

"There is definitely some similarity between images we've captured about that part of the universe and Donald Trump's hair," continued Beetrot.

“We don’t know what the relationship between HD 164595 and Mr. Trump’s hair but they are on the same frequency.   We would need a detailed physical examination of Mr. Trump and his hair first.   But I expect we’ll never know.”

"DT, phone home!"

"Mr. Gury, Mr. Trump would like to speak with you."

I had contacted his campaign months ago.  Suddenly, today, I get a call!!

While I scrambled around in the sand outside, tripping on my flip-flops and tearing my skin off racing through saw grass looking for a cellphone signal, there he was on the phone!

Finally!!  I scored a couple of minutes interviewing Donald Trump on behalf of the Placencia Paragoric, a publication in Belize, where I live, that has yet to exist!   

DONALD J. TRUMP:  Hello, Michael!  I've got a couple of minutes.  Fire away!

ME:  Thank you, Mr. Trump, for accepting my invitation for a brief interview.

DONALD J. TRUMP:  Thanks for the invitation.  Usually it’s from some cunt at Fox News.

ME:  So how do you feel?  I mean you’ve been on the road for well over a year seeking the presidency of the United States.

DONALD J. TRUMP:   I’m feeling really excited.  I get energized by the crowds I meet.  Thanks to Dr. Bornstein, I feel like Superman.  I’m absolutely certain we’re going to win in November. 

Dr. Bornstein, moments before conducting an outpatient procedure.

 

ME:  What gives you that impression?

DONALD J. TRUMP:  Well, there are just so many people that want a real leader instead of Lyin’ Hillary, and they tell me all the time that Donald Trump has got to run this country. 

ME:  Early in the campaign, you were citing your poll numbers.  You haven’t talked about them recently.

DONALD J. TRUMP:  We have a lot of issues to talk about like crime, Mexicans, Muslims, ISIS, Anthony Weiner, how I’m going to save the U.S. economy.

ME:  And how are you going to save the economy?

DONALD J. TRUMP:  I’ve talked about it, but it’s complicated.  You can’t do these things overnight, you know.

ME:  But give me some idea about how you would improve the economy.

DONALD J. TRUMP:  As I’ve said, we can’t keep funding countries on the Russian border.   And we won’t have to because I know more about Russia than anyone other than Sarah Palin, who can see the place from her kitchen, OK?   You don't run the Miss Universe pageant in Russia and not know who's who, let me tell you that. 

Mexico’s going to have to fork over cash for The Wall, we need to get rid of 11 million illegal aliens who are draining this country non-stop, stop Muslims from getting in and terrorizing us, get rid of anything that has to do with China, kill the trade agreements, reduce taxes for wealthy people like me and corporations and enable them to stash trillions of dollars outside the U.S.  Once you do that stuff, bingo!, you can afford an apartment in Trump Tower, although certain restrictions may apply.

ME:  So, just on one point, how is the exit of 11 million people from U.S. soil going to work?  And how much is that going to cost?

DONALD J. TRUMP:   I can’t really talk about that.  I have the smartest people.

ME:  Well, is this going to be like trucks and soldiers driving up to a family’s house and pulling them out at gunpoint and everybody’s crying and screaming?  Then they get on trains, planes and boats?

DONALD J. TRUMP:   I can’t really talk about that.  I have the smartest people.  Maybe the Second Amendment people have something to say about that, too.  I don’t know.

ME:  North Korea.  You’ve said you admire Kim Jong Un.  Have you had much contact with him lately?

DONALD J. TRUMP:   We talk once and a while, but The Glorious Leader has this thing called a “Purge” and he’s really about law and order, and I am the Law and Order candidate, as you know.  He’s a tough guy, takes care of things, and as the result his country is pretty stable, as we should be.

ME:  There was news today that he executed two senior people in his inner circle by taking them to a military airport and killing them with anti-aircraft weapons.  This isn't the first time he's done this sort of thing.  One of the men was accused of falling asleep during a recent speech by Mr. Kim.

DONALD J. TRUMP:   If anyone falls asleep during one of my speeches it’s going to be pretty ugly, pretty ugly, and I’m not kidding!   Look, I know more about weapons than any General, OK?   You use the weapons that will do the job.  Anti-aircraft guns, atom bombs, whatever.   And I can tell you, that as President, I'm going to make sure we’re going to have so many weapons your head will spin.

"Hey Donald, don't be a stranger!"

ME:  Final question, since our readers in Belize are interested.  We are anticipating some increase in the expat population as this election progresses.  What should we expect?

DONALD J. TRUMP:   Well for one thing, the U.S. is no longer going to pay your dues to NATO to protect your border with Russia.

ME:  Thank you, Mr. Trump, for your time.  You’ve pretty much answered my questions.  I can tell you right now, you are going to be Time Magazine’s Person of the Year.

DONALD J. TRUMP:  Thanks Michael, I feel I deserve it.

ME:  You certainly do!

Proxima B, Next Stop!

We've just had news that Alpha Centauri, a galaxy a few light years away, might have a planet, called "Proxima b", that resembles Earth.

Look, I know we're on a decades old mission to discover new planets and civilizations, but I've been to Proxima b, and I can tell you it's no great shakes. 

Never mind my story.  I'm certainly not the first to have been there, and it's a little complicated about how I got there and got back.

I can't say that those I met on Proxima b are terribly sophisticated, nor is their technology as advanced as science fiction people would prefer it to be.  

The people, if you can call them that, are yellowish and small.  There's water and all the insects and animals that need it are plentiful.  They have forests, some cities (although they are not terribly organized), rivers and oceans of water.  So, they're kind of set.  They've mined iron, gold, and interesting minerals which if combined into some kind of weapon might be rather effective in blowing things up or reorienting whatever politics, such as they are, might exist.

I cannot decipher Proxima b language terribly well, in part because Proximas have eight waving arms and gesture a lot.  But we have communicated mainly because of the foam swimming pool noodles I brought along.  Plus, I took with me many cans of slightly out of date Smoked Kippers, which have proven to be a big hit.

Oddly enough, the Proximas believe that Earth is a better place than their planet. 

Waving my noodles, I tried to explain to the Proximas that Earth is a pretty good place, but not a place you'd want to go to.  Even if you are in a perilous situation, it’s not worth the light years.  I mean, unless you can get there in under a half hour.