With Mohammad Ali’s passing and the
subsequent torrent of obituaries, recollections, videos, tributes, and commentary, it just
occurs to me that a fantasy match-up of the two ought to be conjured.
We have to think of Ali in his
boxing prime and Trump in his political prime, which is now. I think.
Let’s just assume that this isn’t
an actual boxing match but a debate, probably more like a shouting match and
jousting in the press.
In a boxing match, it would be
lights out for The Donald in a short period.
I would have said ten seconds in Round One, but Ali’s style was often to taunt his opponents in the ring,
let them swing and throw punches for a few rounds until they were exhausted, take punches if
need be, and like a cat with a mouse, just play for a while until it was time
for the deck. He took out all kinds of
sturdy and threatening opponents this way.
In a shouting match, Trump’s main
points would consist of Muslim-bashing, accusation of treason, threats of
deportation, and probably some combustible mix of racial epithets. Trump’s main facial expression, the anus-shaped
mouth, would occur every 6 seconds.
Ali would be louder, far more
combative, sometimes coming up with lines like “Trump Goes Whump on the Stump”
and pulling out a Donald Trump puppet and pounding it with his fist, repeating: “Donald
Trump, you’re a racist. Donald Trump,
you’re a hater. Donald Trump, you’re a phony. Donald Trump, in One! (round)”.
TRUMP: “As far as I’m concerned,
this guy’s a loser. Always has
been. Terrible. I’m very successful. I know business and make great deals.
America is dangerous because black people
are becoming Muslims and radicals, and when I’m president, things are really
going to change. Boy, are they going to
change!”
TRUMP: “Now, you are insulting
me! You are a despicable man, unfit to
run for president!”
ALI: [CONTINUES TO BEAT TRUMP
PUPPET WITH FIST] “C’mon over here, Trump, and whisper that in my ear!”
[PAUSE FOR COMMERCIAL BREAK]
[PAUSE FOR COMMERCIAL BREAK]
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