Queen / Cameron phone call

CAMERON:  Hello?  This is the Prime Minister, David Cameron, speaking.

QUEEN:  And this is The Queen of England.

 

CAMERON:  Oh, your Highness, my, to what do I owe the honor of your call? 

QUEEN:  You know what I’m calling about, you idiot!  What the hell is going on down there?

CAMERON:    Well, we had a national vote on continuing on with the Europeans, you know, linking with them on legal, immigration and economic issues.  Unfortunately, the vote turned out negative.

QUEEN:  Yes, and thanks to you, our currency has been reduced to the price of a Mexican Peso, and already Donald Trump is in Scotland swanning around trying to license the country.

CAMERON:  Your Majesty, I was doing my duty to enable people in a democracy to vote.

QUEEN:  Listen, pal, I’ve been around a long time, and multiple Prime Ministers have come and gone. No one has blown up things the way you have just done.  I’m all for democracy, but thanks to you, now we have the whole thing flying apart.  Scotland’s going here, Ireland’s going there.  And I have to remind you that you are a “Conservative”, so tell me, what the hell have you conserved?

CAMERON:  [Silence]

QUEEN:  I thought so.  Not much.  You need to read, if you can, Charles Spaniel's' Universal Conservation of Stupidity, because you are one big example of it.  The fact that you have announced your departure from the position you currently hold is somewhat heartening but the thought that we’re going to have to endure a few more months of you is really intolerable.

 (END) 

Here’s Why Market Research is Weird

The topic at hand is something called Liquid Smoke.  It’s basically stuff in a bottle that imitates the flavor of barbecuing, you know, with that smoky flavor, so you can just dump a bit of it onto a chicken in the oven and it’s like you cooked the damn thing outside in the wild.  Here is the piece that has so impressed me.

http://bit.ly/1W3GnFA

Matthew Sedacca wrote the piece and it appeared in Eater, one of my favorite oddball websites, which is devoted to all things food (restaurants, all the kooky celebrities in the food world), and it was rather nice and had far more words than you’d ever think could possibly be devoted to the subject of “Liquid Smoke”.

Mr. Sedacca earned the price of every word he wrote, of course, but what got me was when he pulled this one out:

“In a report published this past April by Future Market Insights, a market intelligence and consulting firm, the global liquid smoke market was valued at $65 million in 2015. FMI predicts that liquid smoke's market value will increase at a compound annual growth rate of 8.1 percent over the next decade, citing drivers like ‘rising disposable income, growing pet ownership, increasing consumption of meat products and lowered total production cost.’ “

I’m OK with some of this, and I have no idea who or what Future Market Insights is other than that they are providing priceless insights on Liquid Smoke, but what the hell does “growing pet ownership” have to do with Liquid Smoke?

Are these geniuses predicting that we’re going to roast cats and dribble Liquid Smoke on them?  Maybe parakeets.  Oh (just thought of this), companies that make pet food need it for that added BBQ flavor for your Corgi.  Or you need it while roasting your Corgi.  I don’t know what their Future Market Insight research process is, but whatever it is, it’s pretty suspect. 

And I don’t know how these guys arrive at their “global compound annual growth rate of 8.1 percent” number, because China and India, the two largest markets outside of the dumb U.S. have nothing but smoke day and night, and India has had a raging coal mine fire for over 100 years and can’t put it out.  Maybe a few million dollars of Liquid Smoke might do the trick.

Donald Trump, Reptile, Eats 2-Year Old Child

 

While attempting to ingratiate himself to the LGBT population in Orlando which is still in shock from the horror of a mass shooting last weekend, Trump slithered into a Disney World man-made lake, and chowed-down on a small child.  He tweeted:

“Great lunch in FL!  Hillary, horrible.  Me?  Great!  I love the cuisine in FL!”