In Local News: TORTILLA SHOCK!

23 year-old Joseph O’Brien began a 14 year prison sentence for robbery and aggravated assault after being found guilty of robbing the Golden Corn Tortilla Factory on Belize City's Central American Boulevard in September of this year.

O'Brien: Right

Ask for a comment just before transport to jail, O'Brien said, "Have you ever tried an Irish tortilla?  I had to do what I had to do".  

In Other News: Denied Entry Into Europe, George W. Bush Doesn't Take "No" for an Answer!

Ex-President George W. Bush today unleashed the full fury of Hell on Europe, conquering it through a lethal combination of air power, boots on the ground, Dick Cheney, Douglas MacArthur, Napoleon, Halliburton, ISIS, the Texas Rangers, and plenty of torture, mainly waterboarding.

Apparently, in an attempt to honor a long-standing invitation to speak at the Basel Watercolor Institute and halfway to the Dallas/Fort Worth airport, the Swiss Border Control notified Bush that he couldn't step foot in Switzerland without being arrested, citing "War Crimes".




The Ex-President’s press secretary, Florence “Sparky” Sparkphlug, told members of the press “The Ex-President was really ticked when he couldn’t get into Europe.  There’s no negotiating with Europeans.”

Announcing “Mission Accomplished” once he had leveled Switzerland, the Ex-President spoke to the crew of the aircraft carrier that plowed into Zurich.  Said Bush, “America is safe again!”








http://bit.ly/1ORX1Qm

Santa Arrested for Beating the Crap Out of Christmas Non-Believers

Santa Claus was caught on a security video taking on a group of anti-Christmas protesters in Weehawken, New Jersey, and was arraigned today on charges of assault, battery, resisting arrest, and disturbing the peace.

According to authorities, 15 people were injured.

One of the victims, Earl Smiley, aged 36, of Weehawken, told the Newark Star Ledger “I’ve never seen anything like it.  Santa just came out of the sleigh like he was Bruce Lee.”  Smiley suffered a broken nose.

Bail was set at $25,000, which a group of midgets paid.  Santa was released with the stipulation the he not leave New Jersey. 

Epidemic Daily: OMG! This is like the biggest beaver problem anywhere!!

 http://bit.ly/1QK6wXT

Scientific American today delivered a terrifying report concerning the amassing of armies of mutated Chilean beavers moving north toward the rest of South America, Central America, and possibly Mexico.

Beaver Invasion Occupies Forests and Steppes in Southern Chile and Argentina

Introduced from Canada in 1946, the rodents have exponentially reproduced and are expanding throughout the Southern Cone

For reference, this thing is the size of a Sherman Tank

  Here is an excerpt:

“In 1946 the Argentine Navy imported 10 beaver couples from Canada and set them free in Isla Grande, the deep south of Tierra del Fuego, with the intention of “enriching” the native fauna—and the local fur industry.

The consequences of such initiative were disastrous: Protected from hunting for 35 years, and devoid of natural predators, the beavers grew over 5,000 times their initial population, caused irreversible changes in the forest ecosystem, and started advancing over the continent. Now, a study published in Chilean Natural History suggests that the demographic explosion of those beavers could be bigger than suspected because it can take years or even decades for local inhabitants to notice the rodents’ presence and their impact on the surrounding ecosystems. 

'There could be populations of giant beavers moving around in the continent and in the islands we don’t know anything about,' biologist Giorgia Graells, of the Institute of Patagonia at Magallanes University and lead author of the study, told Scientific American.”

Yellow and pink = beavers

OK, that’s great.  Thanks a lot.  Now we have to tackle the Giant Beaver Invasion and deal with The Threat.

First of all, let's be clear, masses of these bad boys can saw through the Amazon rain forest in a couple of weeks.  Peru, Ecuador, Colombia, Costa Rica, Nicaragua, Panama, Honduras, Belize, and Guatemala ― you’re next.

“The thing that people don’t realize about Chilean beavers is when they get finished with the forest, they’ll mow down a city for desert”, said Dr. Jerry Mathers, Professor of Beaver Behavior at Beaver Community College, Beavertown, Pennsylvania.  “I would take this situation seriously.”

Dr. J. Mathers

“It’s important for people to panic.  Go ahead, run for your lives!  This is no joke.  Serious huge beavers are coming!” added Mathers.

Beavers have no known enemies in Central or South America other than Rain Forest Maintenance guys taking hilarious and wildly off-target potshots. 

Have you ever seen one of these things up close?  Basically, it’s a gigantic rodent with gigantic teeth and a really nasty, gigantic and powerful flat tail that is used for sinking pilings, moving logs, and destroying small craft. 

Survival Strategy 

Here is how we meet The Threat, contain The Threat, make The Threat feel better by giving it a real job, and put The Threat to work.  

This is done by lying and exploiting the hell out of them.

First:  Meet The Threat.  Step up and meet a quarter thousand them at a time.  Have tree appetizers.  Strike up a conversation or two.  Say goodbye and point them north.  If they haven’t torn through your Mennonite patio furniture, consider yourself lucky.

Second:  Contain The Threat.  Same as First, only with booze.

Third:  Make The Threat feel better by giving it a real job.  This is so obvious it’s ridiculous.  Beavers have the innate capability of leveling forests and then damming-up lakes, rivers, and streams; but as yet they do not exhibit any sense of Hydroelectric Engineering.  We can up the ante right here by offering funding for college tuition.

Fourth:  Make The Threat a hero everywhere so it stays put.   Assume that at this stage we’ve wined and dined about a million beavers, then we split them up and lead beavers to every river, stream, or rivulet throughout countries in South and Central America then give them forests to level in locations where a Hydroelectric Plant might not be a bad idea.

C.G. Spaniels

“When you give beavers something to do other than randomly chewing up trees, making dams wherever the hell they want, then on top of that making love nests in them,” said C.G. Spaniels, Beaver Community College Professor Emeritus, and Executive Director of the Bad Beaver Behavior Institute.

“Then you have the opportunity to harness Evil and turn it into something Good,”

Beaver Dam Completed

Meanwhile assemble the George Foreman Hydroelectric Plant-in-a-Box.  Stick it in front of the dam, payoff the beaver who’s on night watch, hook it up, and clip the George Foreman Hydroelectric Plant Cable Gripper to a cable that leads to an underserved city or even a metropolis.  And let her rip!

George Foreman Hydroelectric Plant-in-a-Box Deployed

Suddenly the city lights up and is now filled with the sound of “I Love Lucy” in Spanish!  There will be spontaneous dancing in the streets and a thirty-foot beaver statue will be unveiled at the center of the town square. 

Beavers will be heroes to those cities.  In fact, largely due their heroics, they will be designated an endangered species and given licensing rights to the “beaver” name and image.

 

“That is the typical psychological subterfuge tactic employed by beavers,” said Mathers.  “You think you’ve thwarted the beaver epidemic, but what happens is they get to multiply and make massive amounts of money from sales of beaver-themed videos and merchandise.  Goddamn them!”

There are satellite images indicating that the strategy is bearing fruit.  A casino has just opened up in Ixtlxshxtl, a very, very remote and creepy village on the Amazon about 1000 miles upstream.

So, to sum up:

Let’s get outa here!