My fellow Americans and to my friends and enemies here and around
the world. It is an honor to be standing
before you all to accept the inauguration of President of the United States.
I want to thank the 300 or so of you that are here today
(pick up your checks when you leave and sorry no cash), and especially to
Crooked Hilary and Bumbling Bill Clinton.
We’ve got a couple of other ex-Presidents and First Ladies here, and I
want to tell you that you were all disasters.
As I told the world during my campaign and afterward, we’re
going to make America great again.
So what do I mean by that?
Well, first of all we are replacing the “National Guard”
with the new “Trump Guard”, an enforcement agency, starting today, so that we can carry out
what needs to be done to make America great again. They’ll have Chinese-made Uniforms and lots
of tanks, planes, guns, bullets, and all that stuff. They will be making America great again based
on what I decide and who annoys me.
We started the campaign with “The Wall” against illegal
Mexican immigrants who are criminals, rapists, and gang members who are
swarming into America. First, you’re all
going to get deported. Plans are all
underway and it’s going to be a great wall!
We’ll squeeze the Mexicans to pay for it until they give up the Alamo.
Then, the Muslims. First, you’re all going to be
deported. No more entering the country,
and those that are in the U.S., we’ll get you and throw you out. You’re all a bunch of terrorists and everyone
knows it.
I have just appointed my 10-year old son, Barron, as Chief
of U.S. Intelligence and he will oversee 17 agencies that currently produce completely
useless “intelligence”. He’s also good
at computers so he’s an ideal choice to deal with these so-called hackers. School comes second, as it did for me.
In addition, I have appointed the greatest people to my
cabinet. Everybody is either going to
privatize everything, and I’ve spent weeks working on what I can get out of
every deal, or if I can’t personally make a dime off these deals, then they’re
out.
Tax breaks. Yes,
tons! If you are making more than
$150,000 a year, then these breaks will shower down, so that you can invest in
various things we’re going to privatize.
If you make less than this, we’re probably going to hike taxes to around
60 percent. Running America is
expensive. You all have to chip in. As for corporations, huge, I mean huge tax
breaks!
Healthcare! Controversial
topic! Well, we’re just going to
eliminate it completely! I wasn’t
elected to turn this country into a socialist nation! I’ve asked Chairman Vladimir Putin to weigh
in on this topic, and he’s a good friend and should provide some sage advice on how to implement socialism.
As a side note, I have created something called the ”Trump
Air Force D.C. to Moscow” Shuttle. First
class travel for our top diplomats and oligarchs!! All the girls speak Russian.
They’re all “10s” by the way. Plenty of
caviar and who-knows-what on the way back!
Energy! One of my
favorite topics. I’ll leave it up to my energy
guy. You know, the price of oil has been
way, way, too low for a while, so I’ve got the finest people charged with the
responsibility of cranking up pricing and profits. Subsidies for goofy things like solar power
and wind machines – gone. Wind
machines? Incredibly ugly! They destroy
the natural beauty of the water off my golf courses.
Climate Change:
Doesn’t exist. Doesn’t
exist. Stupid!
Violence in America.
I have instructed the newly-created TNPF (Trump National Police Force)
to tackle these huge problems by any
means necessary. They will sort out
Chicago in about 5 minutes.
Civil Rights? We need
less, not more! You’ve got enough
already. Be quiet.
Jobs! Yes, we have
openings at the TNPF, the Wall Construction, and the newly-created Trump Behavioral
Adjustment Agency (TBAA). I’d
say maybe 15,000 jobs. Big Win for
America and Me! The guy that runs Amazon told
me he’s going to hire 100,000 people here in the U.S. Now that’s the Art of the Deal, which I’m
famous for. I really put the thumb-screws
on him and told him his Washington Post was Kitty-Litter. He caved.
Deal done!
Education will all be privatized so we can make some money
and reduce the test scores. This is a
personal thing because I only went to private schools and my test results
reduced, and look at me, I’m the President of the United States!!!
Civil Service. Sorry,
I can do all this by myself. You’re all
fired! Huge savings for America!
Infrastructure: What,
are you kidding me? What do you mean,
like bridges? Don’t worry about it. They’ll hold up for a while. What’s in it for me?
Space. I know
everything about space and I’m going to cut most of the budgets for NASA and other
agencies, except for the proposed shuttle to Zorkon, which should be
operational fairly soon. If anyone wants
know about space, they can just get on my calendar. Mars?
Forget about it. What a big waste
of money! Got an idea for a golf
course up there, OK, then let’s talk.
Trade agreements: I’m going to dump NAFTA and TPP. The worst deals ever in the history of
deals! I don’t know the details but I
know they are terrible deals. My plan is to incentivize every manufacturer in the U.S. to increase prices 35 percent by giving them massive tax breaks. I don't exactly know what the economics of this is other than we won't be sending manufacturing jobs to China or Mexico!! No we won't!
Science in general.
It’s like space, I know everything, so I’m going to slash budgets. What do you guys do anyway, study worms?
Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security. Lots of money wasted and not going into my
pocket. Killed!
Election reform.
Why? I got elected, didn’t I?
Supreme Court. We
have one seat to fill and I’m going to nominate Eric Trump. He doesn’t have the typical requirements, like
experience in law, but that is eclipsed by his slicked back hair and his vacant
stare.
Foreign Affairs. I’ve
appointed quite a few disgraced military people, bankers, and otherwise
questionable talent in this area. No one
knows more about foreign affairs than me.
I’m in regular contact with major leaders in the world, and to be
honest, America doesn’t need more than a few do-bees to handle this stuff.
Military. This is a
favorite topic of mine and I’ve already pledged to ramp us up in this department. I know things that the generals don’t know so
I don’t want to spill the beans entirely.
I will say that a fleet of Zeppelins over, let’s say a new enemy like
France, will send a powerful signal!
We have to defeat ISIS, and I’ve asked for Assad, Putin, and
Kim Jong Un to come and see me at the Trump Grill to discuss how we can link up
to get this done.
Now, I know a number of Americans are concerned about some
kind of nuclear conflict. If so, you
need to be building a Trump Bomb Shelter now.
Call 1-800-Boo-Bomb and one of my people will set you up. At least during the initial blast, you need
to be concerned about Gamma Rays, and my people will put everything in place
for you. Prices start at $250,000.
The Press: All
credentials voided except for Breitbart, The National Enquirer, RT, and Howard
Stern. The rest of you produce fake news that defames
me and are banned from the White House/Trump Tower. End of discussion.
OK, what are we missing here?
Oh, serving as Executive Producer of the Celebrity
Apprentice. Well, this is a huge honor
but I deserve it because without me, this thing would be nothing. I picked Arnold mainly because he scowls as
well as I do and he has gigantic muscles like me. What a hit!
I expect an average rating of 0.08%.
It’s going to kill re-runs of Hogan’s Heroes!
On the White House.
Well I’m going to have to tippy-toe around this place a couple of days a
week. Ivanka just bought a place in Washington, so I’m not going to be able to
greet her at breakfast over shirred eggs and a gigantic ham. Melania doesn’t want to set foot in this
place. Barron has an office at the CIA.
There isn’t a hint of gold leaf anywhere and no portraits of me. It’s horrible!
At any rate, as far as the direction of this country is
concerned, I say “forward”! Let’s get
back to the basics of America, victorious in war, in its prime, like, say 1954.
We had great TV dinners back then.
Really great! That’s what I’m
talking about. We need to go forward in
order to go backward!! A Great America Again
is wholly dependent on its citizens to work together to alter the space-time
continuum! We can do it! I know I certainly can.
In closing, I’d like to dial through just some of the
incredible talent we’ve got for the Inauguration events tonight:
First off, we've booked a great trio of beautiful Russian women in a really great, and I mean great band called “Pussy Grab”. We have some other incredible musicians and bands, also from Russia: “The Doody Brothers”, “Three Elk Night”, “The Two Seasons”, and, I can’t pronounce this correctly, vasha mukha otkryta. (ваша муха открыта) which means something like “Skies Shine on Your Excellency”. Now, the horrible tragedy that happened recently to the Russian choir, who were booked for the event, means they can’t make it, because they’re all dead. We have more great surprises in store! We have Topo Gigio, who’s agreed to come back from storage after over 50 years. And the great great Grandson of Mandrake The Magician will be here with his, how do I pronounce this? Prestidigitations? Did I get that right? I don’t know. It’s going to be fantastic. But there are other surprises, trust me!
Listen I’ve got to go.
I have an appointment with an important dead children’s TV personality
in New York. I appreciate your attendance today. Have a nice day!
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| Trump arrives prior to getting suited up for the Inauguration |
