Let's Throw This at ISIS

 "Where's your 2014 Return, pal?"

In spite of numerous pledges by governments to stop the flow of money to the world’s most dangerous terror organization, nothing seems to have worked.  Bombing runs to blast oil production in ISIS’ hands haven’t seem to have done much to stem the amount of cash these twenty-first century Visigoths have on hand to buy weapons, slaves, and video editing equipment.  It is unlikely that a checking account exists under the name “Isis Doe” at Deutsche Bank, but if it does, the green eye shades at formidable intelligence agencies around the world haven’t been able to connect dots.

Following the massacre that ISIS successfully pulled off in Paris, sabers are rattling.  Conventional cruise missiles and bombs sporting the French Tricolour are now raining down on suspected ISIS nests in Syria and Iraq.  The Russians are bombing insurgents dedicated to yanking Assad off his throne.  And of course, the U.S. is mounting yet another paralytic bluster-fest over the best way to crush the swarming fire ants and win an election.

Typically, the first step in responding to horrific terrorist events, as in any war,  is to figure out what kind of defensive measures to take, and then second, what kind of offensive weapons to use.  On this point, missiles, drones, and bombs are always a good first option.   Deploying thousands of “boots on the ground” is the least favored, and, unless it’s the Russians in Crimea, generally set aside as an extreme measure.  Shadowy president Cheney did a pretty good job of giving the Americans sufficient reason to steer clear of that option.

So somewhere in the situation rooms of the U.S., high ranking military officials are dialing through a list of incredibly sophisticated weapons to figure out “What’s the coolest badass thing to drop on ISIS?”

But it occurs to me that the usual discussion about weapons and armed forces needs to be augmented by some out-of-the-box thinking.  In my own secluded redoubt, loaded with defensive weapons such as pork and beans, I have been doing just that.  

Let me ask you this, and it may take some knowledge of American Crime History to answer it: What stopped Al Capone, the Chicago mobster in the 1920's -1930’s who was responsible for a reign of terror in that city?  

It wasn’t the cops, the courts, the lawyers, or his enemies.  

It was the IRS.

This guy, who had murdered people all over town and many that were not in town, was unstoppable. 
  


He was a money machine, extorting his way into creating an army of terrorists and living a hedge fund lifestyle.  

 

Murder didn’t seem to be a charge that would stick to this guy.  Tax-evasion was.  Capone was thrown in the slammer and Chicago was safe again.

Hence, let’s take America’s first-line offensive domestic terror weapon and turn it loose on this enemy.

If the IRS can target and take out a 63-year old man living on a small pension and social security today in Iowa, then ISIS is no match for the tens of thousands of IRS agents who hunt and shake down millions of Americans daily.   If there is a bank account, they’ll grab it.  If there is an income, they’ll siphon it.  If you have a phone, it will be frozen by incessant calls from “Peru”.  If there is a home, you can kiss it goodbye. 

They know who, where you are, and where your money is.

You don’t build up the coffers of the mightiest nation on earth by not using a massive army of highly-trained squeezers.  This is America’s biggest counter-terrorist asset.

The battle scenario might look like this:  

IRS grabs money from any bank anywhere in the world it thinks is being used for tax evasion by terrorists.  Start with Isis Doe.

If you don't think the IRS isn't hunting down your 2010 Return . . .

It jams up the cell phones of all the terrorists with calls from Uruguay.  Forget the NSA, the IRS is way, way ahead in phone numbers.  They don't listen either.  They call!!

Put your hands on your head and get out of the wheelchair!!

It goes into the Dark Internet and gives all terrorists three days to get in touch with them.

Are we ready?  What do you think?

A few IRS agents with ties, suits, wingtips and guns seize all the oil and wells, weapons, and slaves. 

IRS agents prepping for a raid on a retired couple in Tennessee.

Tie and cuff links?  Oh yeah.  Holy Hell is going to rain down on you punks.

Freeze! I don't care who you are, but if this is Syria and you resist my levy, I am going to shoot you.

High altitude bombers relentlessly drop IRS letters on suspected terrorist hideouts day and night.

Other IRS agents on the ground deliver certified mail to terrorists.

IRS agents are deployed to airfields to intercept care packages from China or anything that says: “Happy Birthday from Bocu Haram!”

When they haven’t a dime (in about 2 weeks) and are quaking with fear that the IRS will seriously sour their admission to heaven, the terrorists all around the world commit synchronized suicide by blowing themselves up.  

If the IRS can pull this off with Americans pretty much every day, they sure as hell can do some damage to tax miscreants such as terrorists anywhere in the world.  Let’s point them in the right direction for a change.  Let’s give them the obtuse mission of protecting and saving American lives. 

I am the IRS.  You can  kiss my ass, you smarmy little tax-evading terrorist weasel.

As a final note, while many Americans are averse to sending the U.S. military into these hotbeds of terrorist spawn, no one I know would object to moving say 30,000 IRS agents over there to bring ISIS to its knees.

© 2015 Michael Gury