Doggie Dating

If springing for a romantic candle-lit dinner with a German Shepard is appealing, then the #1 online dating site, Match.com, is for you.

There is hardly a gallery of photographs of eligible women on this dating site that does not include one or many photos of dogs.  I mean real dogs.  This site is like the Westminster Kennel Club.  

“Look at that face! Do you think anything that sweet would tear a Fedex guy to shreds?”

A couple of days ago I was checking out the babes when I encountered 16 different breeds.  Poodles, Mastiffs, Schnauzers, Dachshunds, you name it.   If you’re shopping for a canine, look no further.  In fact, don’t even bother with the American Kennel Club’s compendium of 10,000 breeds.

It appears that the vast majority of women on the online dating scene have not painted a clear enough picture of themselves by describing dreamy walks on the beach, heavenly sunsets, hiking, canoeing, looking great in jeans and high heels, cuddling together (with what?) on a rainy Sunday afternoon, and coming clean about an insatiable passion for dark chocolate.

Curiously (did I hear “deviously”?) these ladies’ written profiles never contain any mention of these beasts.  They just pop up in the picture gallery along with poses in front of Christmas trees, the Duomo, or the back porch.  It’s almost like some kind of frightening subliminal punctuation.

So what is this all about?

After wracking my brain for a few minutes (long enough to require 3 Advil) I’ve come up with a few possible hidden messages behind this canine cavalcade:

"Nothing in the world can substitute for my 5 babies, especially you."

“Not so fast, Mr. Hot Stuff, just try and get past my foaming Little Guy”

“I’ll love you only if He loves you.”

“He’s the part of me you'll never know. The real me.”

“Don’t kid yourself pal, you’re no substitute for my 150 lb. bundle of love, teeth and sinew.”

 “Wherever I go, He goes.”

"Marry me."

“I know dogs, so I fully understand your need to ‘go for a walk’.”

 And finally:

"I'm not the only bitch in the house."

 Rarely:

“If I fall in love with you, I’ll dump Muffin.”

Match.com is really sort of a zoo.   Women will spare nothing in the animal kingdom to telepathically transmit messages about their true fidelity.

One female expert on the online dating scene, whom I quite like because she has no dogs, tells me
that a similar pattern of fetishistic behavior exists in the Available Male department of Match.com. 

There, girls on the prowl get to see a Thanksgiving Parade of inflated bare torsos and muscle cars.

 

Doesn’t matter what the guy is all about – hedge fund manager, deli supervisor, ad executive, soldier-of-fortune – it all comes down to Abs and Badass Cars.

So far I’ve successfully dodged the key question here, which is: why the hell are you on Match.com?

Honestly, I’m going to the dogs.