Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Trump Names Swamp Thing to Oversee Swamp Expansion


Today, President-Elect Donald Trump announced that he is appointing Swamp Thing as head of the vastly enlarged swamp that Trump has been planning.

“It’s going to be a great, great swamp," said Trump. “Swamp Thing brings experience to this newly created position, and he’s a terrific guy. We’ve had meetings. Very talented.”

Building a bigger swamp. President-Elect Trump
Trump’s expansion plans for the swamp are extensive.  As planned, the swamp will be wider and deeper to accommodate more offices and personnel.

Last week, Mr. Thing was seen entering Trump Tower for talks with Trump.

“I’m honored by Mr. Trump’s selection of me to head up the swamp expansion and management of it,” said Mr. Thing.  “The plans are very ambitious however I’ve been in and around swamps for years and I think I can make a make a major contribution to Mr. Trump’s upcoming administration.”

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

A Trump Ghost Story!

Setting:   Donald Trump’s bedroom.  It is late night, before the cock crows.  Sensing a presence, Trump puts down his cell phone.

TRUMP:   Who goes there?  Ivanka, is that you?


I, Caligula, the third Roman Emperor
GHOST:    Donald, it is I, Caligula, the third Roman Emperor.
TRUMP:   You’re a ghost!
GHOST:    Yes, that’s because I’m dead.
TRUMP:    I can see you!  You have on a Trump tie and shirt!
GHOST:     Better to blend in with your administration.
TRUMP:    What the hell do you want?
GHOST:     I was just in the neighborhood.  No, only kidding!  I’ve been watching you.
TRUMP:    Everybody’s been watching me.  I’m very famous!
GHOST:     I just think we have a lot in common.  I mean, starting with the fact that you are Emperor.
TRUMP:    That’s true.
GHOST:     You know, I built a lot of buildings, too, in my time.
TRUMP:    What kind of buildings, like hotels?
GHOST:     Well, a bunch of big buildings with gigantic columns and lobbies with the best marble and gold.  But my favorite was the palace I built for my horse, who by the way almost made it to the Senate.
TRUMP:     Any golf courses?
GHOST:      None that I can recall.  But I did build a floating bridge about 2 miles long and I used to chase the Senators back and forth in my chariot.  I was brutal to them.  I also spent money like there was no tomorrow, cut taxes, created wars including fake ones, had a lot of great sex with anyone including members of my family, and was known to howl at anyone or anything, such as the moon, threatened everyone left and right, then pretty much bankrupted the entire Roman Empire.   They said I was crazy.
TRUMP:    I never paid attention to Rome stuff at school but it sounds like a pretty good agenda to me.
GHOST:     I was very popular for a while.  Great poll numbers.
TRUMP:    I’m incredibly popular!  I shoot people and they still vote for me.
GHOST:     Yes, so I’ve heard.
TRUMP:    Not from CNN or that pile of garbage Buzzfeed?
GHOST:    No, I can’t get them.  I use RT.
TRUMP:   So you sound like you’ve got a great resume.  I’m Emperor, so if I want a ghost on my team, it’s done.  Anything special, any special skill that you don’t have so I can put you in charge of that?
GHOST:    I’ve never been good at Health and Human Services.  In my time it was Death or Slavery.
TRUMP:   Great. I’m nominating you. You sound perfect.  Great to meet you.  What did you say your name is?
GHOST:    Caligula.
TRUMP:   All right.  How do my people get hold of you?
GHOST:    Just tweet @caligulathemonster
TRUMP:   Say, one last question.  How long were you Emperor?
GHOST:    Four years.
TRUMP:   One term, and you got voted out.
GHOST:    Something like that.

Ghost vanishes.  Trump picks up his cellphone and tweets.  The cock crows.

THE END

The Emperor's Pajamas

Special History Education Bonus:  http://bit.ly/2jvQeqI












































































































































Monday, January 16, 2017

Ringling Bros. Circus to Close After 146 Years, But There's Good News!



Feld Entertainment, which produces The Ringling Bros & Barnum and Baily Circus, is shutting it down in May this year after 146 years.  It’s kind of sad, but good for the exploited animals.

I remember being taken as a child to the circus when it came to New York City, and before the show we’d get to tour backstage, where all the animals were.  The combined smell of hay, manure, farts, and popcorn butter is an indelible olfactory memory, and it’s still in my nose today.

That’s the bad news.
But according to Feld Entertainment, the clowns will be transferred to government jobs in Washington, D.C. and the animals are going to go to a variety of safe and humane locations also in the Capital.

The Trump Team has not confirmed it but by the looks of it they’re already sending in the clowns.
To give your child an unforgettable memory of the smell of hay, manure, farts, and popcorn butter, plus a lot of clowning around, all you need to do is take a tour of Congress or the White House!! 

Crowed Sean Spicer, Trump Communications Director, “We just saved 500 jobs which might have gone to Mexico!  And it’s consistent with President-Elect Trump’s strategy to preside over The Greatest Show on Earth!”

For reference: http://n.pr/2jE6js3

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Trump Inauguration Speech




My fellow Americans and to my friends and enemies here and around the world.  It is an honor to be standing before you all to accept the inauguration of President of the United States.

I want to thank the 300 or so of you that are here today (pick up your checks when you leave and sorry no cash), and especially to Crooked Hilary and Bumbling Bill Clinton.  We’ve got a couple of other ex-Presidents and First Ladies here, and I want to tell you that you were all disasters.

As I told the world during my campaign and afterward, we’re going to make America great again.

So what do I mean by that?

Well, first of all we are replacing the “National Guard” with the new “Trump Guard”, an enforcement agency, starting today, so that we can carry out what needs to be done to make America great again.  They’ll have Chinese-made Uniforms and lots of tanks, planes, guns, bullets, and all that stuff.  They will be making America great again based on what I decide and who annoys me.

We started the campaign with “The Wall” against illegal Mexican immigrants who are criminals, rapists, and gang members who are swarming into America.  First, you’re all going to get deported.  Plans are all underway and it’s going to be a great wall!  We’ll squeeze the Mexicans to pay for it until they give up the Alamo.

Then, the Muslims. First, you’re all going to be deported.  No more entering the country, and those that are in the U.S., we’ll get you and throw you out.  You’re all a bunch of terrorists and everyone knows it.

I have just appointed my 10-year old son, Barron, as Chief of U.S. Intelligence and he will oversee 17 agencies that currently produce completely useless “intelligence”.  He’s also good at computers so he’s an ideal choice to deal with these so-called hackers.  School comes second, as it did for me.

In addition, I have appointed the greatest people to my cabinet.  Everybody is either going to privatize everything, and I’ve spent weeks working on what I can get out of every deal, or if I can’t personally make a dime off these deals, then they’re out. 

Tax breaks.  Yes, tons!   If you are making more than $150,000 a year, then these breaks will shower down, so that you can invest in various things we’re going to privatize.  If you make less than this, we’re probably going to hike taxes to around 60 percent.  Running America is expensive.  You all have to chip in.  As for corporations, huge, I mean huge tax breaks!

Healthcare!  Controversial topic!  Well, we’re just going to eliminate it completely!  I wasn’t elected to turn this country into a socialist nation!  I’ve asked Chairman Vladimir Putin to weigh in on this topic, and he’s a good friend and should provide some sage advice on how to implement socialism.

As a side note, I have created something called the ”Trump Air Force D.C. to Moscow” Shuttle.  First class travel for our top diplomats and oligarchs!! All the girls speak Russian. They’re all “10s” by the way.  Plenty of caviar and who-knows-what on the way back!

Energy!  One of my favorite topics.  I’ll leave it up to my energy guy.  You know, the price of oil has been way, way, too low for a while, so I’ve got the finest people charged with the responsibility of cranking up pricing and profits.   Subsidies for goofy things like solar power and wind machines – gone.  Wind machines?  Incredibly ugly! They destroy the natural beauty of the water off my golf courses. 

Climate Change:  Doesn’t exist.  Doesn’t exist.   Stupid!

Violence in America.  I have instructed the newly-created TNPF (Trump National Police Force) to tackle these huge problems  by any means necessary.  They will sort out Chicago in about 5 minutes.

Civil Rights?  We need less, not more!  You’ve got enough already.  Be quiet.

Jobs!  Yes, we have openings at the TNPF, the Wall Construction, and the newly-created Trump Behavioral Adjustment Agency (TBAA).  I’d say maybe 15,000 jobs.  Big Win for America and Me! The guy that runs Amazon told me he’s going to hire 100,000 people here in the U.S.  Now that’s the Art of the Deal, which I’m famous for.  I really put the thumb-screws on him and told him his Washington Post was Kitty-Litter.  He caved.  Deal done!

Education will all be privatized so we can make some money and reduce the test scores.  This is a personal thing because I only went to private schools and my test results reduced, and look at me, I’m the President of the United States!!!

Civil Service.  Sorry, I can do all this by myself.  You’re all fired!  Huge savings for America!

Infrastructure:  What, are you kidding me?  What do you mean, like bridges?  Don’t worry about it.  They’ll hold up for a while.  What’s in it for me?

Space.  I know everything about space and I’m going to cut most of the budgets for NASA and other agencies, except for the proposed shuttle to Zorkon, which should be operational fairly soon.  If anyone wants know about space, they can just get on my calendar.  Mars?  Forget about it.  What a big waste of money!  Got an idea for a golf course up there, OK, then let’s talk.

Trade agreements: I’m going to dump NAFTA and TPP.  The worst deals ever in the history of deals!  I don’t know the details but I know they are terrible deals.  My plan is to incentivize every manufacturer in the U.S. to increase prices 35 percent by giving them massive tax breaks.  I don't exactly know what the economics of this is other than we won't be sending manufacturing jobs to China or Mexico!!  No we won't!

Science in general.  It’s like space, I know everything, so I’m going to slash budgets.  What do you guys do anyway, study worms?

Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security.  Lots of money wasted and not going into my pocket.  Killed!

Election reform.  Why?  I got elected, didn’t I?

Supreme Court.  We have one seat to fill and I’m going to nominate Eric Trump.  He doesn’t have the typical requirements, like experience in law, but that is eclipsed by his slicked back hair and his vacant stare.

Foreign Affairs.  I’ve appointed quite a few disgraced military people, bankers, and otherwise questionable talent in this area.  No one knows more about foreign affairs than me.  I’m in regular contact with major leaders in the world, and to be honest, America doesn’t need more than a few do-bees to handle this stuff.  

Military.  This is a favorite topic of mine and I’ve already pledged to ramp us up in this department.  I know things that the generals don’t know so I don’t want to spill the beans entirely.  I will say that a fleet of Zeppelins over, let’s say a new enemy like France, will send a powerful signal!

We have to defeat ISIS, and I’ve asked for Assad, Putin, and Kim Jong Un to come and see me at the Trump Grill to discuss how we can link up to get this done.   

Now, I know a number of Americans are concerned about some kind of nuclear conflict.  If so, you need to be building a Trump Bomb Shelter now.  Call 1-800-Boo-Bomb and one of my people will set you up.  At least during the initial blast, you need to be concerned about Gamma Rays, and my people will put everything in place for you.  Prices start at $250,000.

The Press:  All credentials voided except for Breitbart, The National Enquirer, RT, and Howard Stern.  The rest of you produce fake news that defames me and are banned from the White House/Trump Tower.  End of discussion. 

OK, what are we missing here?

Oh, serving as Executive Producer of the Celebrity Apprentice.  Well, this is a huge honor but I deserve it because without me, this thing would be nothing.  I picked Arnold mainly because he scowls as well as I do and he has gigantic muscles like me.  What a hit!  I expect an average rating of 0.08%.  It’s going to kill re-runs of Hogan’s Heroes!

On the White House.  Well I’m going to have to tippy-toe around this place a couple of days a week. Ivanka just bought a place in Washington, so I’m not going to be able to greet her at breakfast over shirred eggs and a gigantic ham.  Melania doesn’t want to set foot in this place.  Barron has an office at the CIA. There isn’t a hint of gold leaf anywhere and no portraits of me. It’s horrible!

At any rate, as far as the direction of this country is concerned, I say “forward”!  Let’s get back to the basics of America, victorious in war, in its prime, like, say 1954. We had great TV dinners back then.  Really great!  That’s what I’m talking about.  We need to go forward in order to go backward!!  A Great America Again is wholly dependent on its citizens to work together to alter the space-time continuum!  We can do it!  I know I certainly can.

In closing, I’d like to dial through just some of the incredible talent we’ve got for the Inauguration events tonight:

First off, we've booked a great trio of beautiful Russian women in a really great, and I mean great band called “Pussy Grab”.   We have some other incredible musicians and bands, also from Russia:  “The Doody Brothers”,  “Three Elk Night”,  “The Two Seasons”, and, I can’t pronounce this correctly, vasha mukha otkryta. (ваша муха открыта) which means something like “Skies Shine on Your Excellency”.  Now, the horrible tragedy that happened recently to the Russian choir, who were booked for the event, means they can’t make it, because they’re all dead.  We have more great surprises in store!   We have Topo Gigio, who’s agreed to come back from storage after over 50 years.   And the great great Grandson of Mandrake The Magician will be here with his, how do I pronounce this? Prestidigitations?  Did I get that right? I don’t know. It’s going to be fantastic.  But there are other surprises, trust me!

Listen I’ve got to go.  I have an appointment with an important dead children’s TV personality in New York. I appreciate your attendance today.  Have a nice day!


Trump arrives prior to getting suited up for the Inauguration







































Monday, January 2, 2017

Call Comes into Trump Tower




VLAD: Comrade Trump!  How's it going?

TRUMP: Well, Happy New Year to you Mr. Chairman!  Everything seems to be going according to plan.

VLAD:  That's great to hear.  How's the wife, the kids?

TRUMP:  Never better. You know my son Barron's Russian lessons are really coming along!  Not only that, but he's a real whiz at computers!  He thanks you, by the way, for the caviar.  He says it's way better than peanut butter!

VLAD:  Excellent!  I hope he and I can joke around in Russian in the not too distant future.  I'm a little like you, I hate computers and have other people on that stuff.

TRUMP:  And you?  How's everything?

VLAD:  Just fine.  You know, I've always got things I want to get done, but this is Russia, so it takes some patience.  Not like in the U.S.A.

TRUMP: I hear you. But it's a new year and I am putting together the new collectivization program and I've hired a Cabinet of experts who know how to collect, if you know what I mean.

VLAD:  I do.  And speaking of that I've got a few banks here in Russian that want to collect on their loans to you. You know, for Atlantic City and other things that aren't already in receivership. 

Now, this is Russia, so no need to panic.  But I was wondering if we can talk about things like the Virgin Islands, Rhode Island, Wisconsin, Ohio, Michigan, and Pennsylvania. 


We've had this conversation before, and I can handle the Russian banks if we can make some sort of arrangement.

TRUMP:  Well, you know me, Mr. The Art of the Deal!

VLAD:  That's good.  You are indeed!

TRUMP: All right, so let's get down to brass tacks.  $300 billion for the whole lot.

VLAD:  Comrade, are you joking? You only owe $900 million to our banks!

TRUMP: More than enough to settle that debt.

VLAD:  But Comrade Trump, how can you justify this?

TRUMP:  Well, you're annexing about, I would say, roughly 4% of our GDP.  Think of all the beaches in the Virgin Islands, the seafood from Rhode Island, the cheese from Wisconsin, coal mines in Pennsylvania, and I can't remember the stuff in Ohio and Michigan.  Oh, tires and cars, maybe.  If you can pick all these things up for $300 billion, that's a bargain. Plus I can get some nice tax abatements.  I'm really good at tax abatements.

VLAD:  All right, what else?

TRUMP:  The main thing is branding.  You know, where you put your sign up and everybody remembers you and buys your stuff?  We're going to have to change the names of these things to Trump-this or Trump-that.  I've got to work on that, like instead of Ohio, it'll be Trump-Hi-Ho. Rhode Island will be easy: Trump Island.  Same for the Virgin Islands, just plural. Maybe Trumpslavania for Pennyslvania. My wife will be happy about that!  Michigan?  Not sure.  Maybe Trumpigan?  How does that sound? The licensing fee for changing these names will probably add up to another $100 billion.


VLAD:  I don't know.  Now I know why people say that you are the shrewd negotiator that you are.

TRUMP:  I'm smart, very smart.  I know I am because people tell me this all the time.

VLAD:  Listen, this is all well and good, and I'm sure we can arrange a larger annexation deal in the near future, but how about if we start small.  Like a handbag and accessory deal for your daughter in Crimea.

TRUMP:  Sold!

Friday, December 23, 2016

Silver in Style




OK, so now I find out that being a bit grayish, or silver as this outfit tells me, is in vogue.  So if you are, say, 5-years old or maybe 20, this is for you!  Eyes will turn!  The Silver Hair "Pomade" hails from Japan.  Looks great and rain just bounces off it!

Well I'll be damned! What have I been missing out on? Is this because cute girls now fall over for a guy with silver tresses? 


I should get out more often and jump on the stage and boogie in my 1972 white Saturday Night Fever get-up (assuming it fits, or I even have it, but I think I have the blue sequined outfit, I just have to find it after the fire) so all the cute girls fall over. I don't need any pomade, from Japan or anywhere.  I'm good to go.  Right now.  Just help me into the car, would you?

For more information on this excellent deal from Japan: http://bit.ly/2i1mteI

Thursday, November 24, 2016