“Spaniels’ Theory of the Universal Conservation of Stupidity”

I cannot say that the inspiration for the theorem I have so elegantly proven with mathematical precision is entirely my own inasmuch as it was originally hypothesized by a former colleague of mine, a lawyer. Unfortunately my colleague succumbed to the effects of a prolonged and undiluted exposure to the same phenomena I have crisply articulated in the fashion of the legends of physical law: Newton, Heisenberg, Einstein, and Murphy.

I have of course submitted a lengthy paper unveiling my explosive discovery to the International Journal of Conclusive Physical Phenomena and, in recognition of my contribution to humanity, and of course petitioned the Vatican in full expectation of securing a sainthood alongside Valentine, Nicholas, Adolphus, and Murphy.  The Nobel Prize Committee is also in receipt of a massive tract documenting my epic discovery, and it is no doubt at the top of the pile of  far lesser achievements. I have also applied for a position in the U.S. Patent Office and the Library of Congress. Einstein himself was an employee of Das Wiemarbundespatentsburo; deep-sixing any application that may have rivaled his revolutionary E=mc², such as E=bs², E=fu², and E=cya,² among others, and penning numerous rejection letters with his characteristic simplification of the cosmic: “Not original enough.(signed) A. Einstein, Wiemarbundespatentsburo". I have also employed the services of a highly reputable legal firm called LegalZoom to further canonize my wholly original thinking.

Secure in the knowledge that I have left no stone unturned in my pursuit of immortality, I can now present to you

“Spaniels’ Theory of the Universal Conservation of Stupidity”

Or

S=sc⁴

What this unquestionably demonstrates in its brilliant deconstruction of the highly fuzzy and subjective is that there is a finite quantity of stupidity in the Universe.  It is a cosmic force, interleaved by gravity and energy itself.

In my elegant equation, S is the total sum of Stupidity, which is a constant to the 4th power multiplied by stupid people, places, card tricks, and things.

 S=sc⁴

With this simple equation, I have accounted for the grand mass of all Stupidity across the Universe, which ipso facto may be lesser in the galaxy of Alpha Centuri and greater in some places like Nutley, New Jersey.

Various particle accelerators here on earth have already recorded physical evidence of “S-Rays” as I like to call them, and until now, those little dots and squiggly lines, captured and analyzed on massively arrayed computers, have baffled the finest physicists in the world.  To date these scientific lights assumed that what they saw was really laundry lint stuck in the lenses of their Swiss Large Hadron Supercollider.

Density of Stupidity Captured by Hubble in yellow, blue and white

Now it’s “ah ha!” time in Switzerland!  Move over Higgs-Boson!

To say that Stupidity is a by-product of the Big Bang would not be far afield. It has been around for billions of years with powerful “S-Waves” continuing to radiate throughout the Universe, and first recorded by amateur astronomer Hayward Gatling at Giants Stadium in 2006.

Galaxies wiped out by S-Rays

Of course, Einstein himself did not have access to today’s prodigious theories of parallel-parked universes, silly strings, Dark Sides, The Force, and naturally, aliens. Until we actually find some alien life we can safely conjecture that Spaniels’ Theory of the Universal Conservation of Stupidity applies, and aliens in vast numbers are wandering about the Universe, completely lost. The fantasy of intelligent life in the universe is busted!

The exponent ” ⁴” is meant to accommodate up to four alternate universes comfortably, in style and Corinthian leather. 

Naturally, black holes devour galaxies, talk-radio transmissions, errant neon sign emissions, unpaired socks, and Stupidity in vast quantities, and all of it is spat out and shared equally among these unseen universes.  It’s just a matter of time and closet space before it starts coming back.

Down here on Earth, Darwin’s Theory of Evolution serves up a good example of Spaniels’ Theory of the Universal Conservation of Stupidity at work.

Let me explain:  Stupid-looking creatures started us off, mutating into larger laughable pea-brained things that fell into tar pits, but not before begetting other things with Stupidity infused in their DNA.

Stupidity literally does not disappear. It just pops up somewhere else, ergo sum demonstratum: universally conserved.

You can’t just kill Stupidity.   Viral stupidity is very tricky as it can masquerade as inspired intelligence.

Even with their much-vaunted prehensile thumbs, Homo Sapiens have churned out Stupid Cars, Stupids (a confection), and Stupid Carpet Bombs -- proving with devastating clarity that Stupidity has a built-in Conservative Party here on Earth. (Confession, I use Carpet Bombs on my carpets at home!  If "Comet" poops, the carpet gets a shot of a George Foreman Carpet Bomb! It's lemony fresh!). 

According to my extended calculations, Earth has an unusually large mass of Stupidity (40.903420 to be exact) compared to Uranus with a Stupidity weight of only .5874322, which is consists mostly of the planet's name. The law of gravity, as postulated by one of my fore-bearers, Sir Isaac Newton, is at work here.   Earth literally attracts S-Rays and S-Waves because of its dense mass of Stupidity that would explain why lost aliens end up in Nevada.

The ramifications of my discovery are mind-boggling.

To think of its implications for religion, politics, fashion, and daytime television is to wonder what uncharted seas may be over the horizon. What possessed man to shroud the Grand Canyon in tear-resistant rayon? Worship rocks as pets? Decorate lawns with pink plastic birds?  Raise the U.S. national debt to trillions of dollars, and enable Goldman Sachs to sack a country like Greece, which not even the mighty Trojans could do?  The answer: Spaniels’ Theory of the Universal Conservation of Stupidity.

It is with immeasurable confidence that my place in scientific history has been firmly planted, and I can leave my pursuit of Stupid Science to those who will, with scientific tools today unknown, continue to prove again and again the universal truth which I have divined and hold to be true while I search for my glasses.

Now I must on to my day at hand.  I await my first sitting with the world’s greatest living artist, Fred “Freddy” da Vinci, from Bayonne, New Jersey, who will render me timeless in white marble in repose while contemplating Universal Stupidity.

Personally I wanted a ceiling tribute a la the Sistine Chapel, with God and me pointing fingers at each other.   But Freddy talked me out of it on the basis that no one in the Bayonne train station looks up at the ceiling.

See you in Stockholm!!

© 2015 Charles Spaniels III