Scientific American today delivered a terrifying report
concerning the amassing of armies of mutated Chilean beavers moving north toward the
rest of South America, Central America, and possibly Mexico.
Beaver Invasion Occupies Forests and Steppes in
Southern Chile and Argentina
Introduced from Canada in 1946, the rodents have
exponentially reproduced and are expanding throughout the Southern Cone
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| For reference, this thing is the size of a Sherman Tank |
Here is an excerpt:
“In 1946 the
Argentine Navy imported 10 beaver couples from Canada and set them free in Isla
Grande, the deep south of Tierra del Fuego, with the intention of “enriching”
the native fauna—and the local fur industry.
The consequences of such
initiative were disastrous: Protected from hunting for 35 years, and devoid of
natural predators, the beavers grew over 5,000 times their
initial population, caused irreversible changes in the forest ecosystem, and
started advancing over the continent. Now, a study published in Chilean
Natural History suggests that the demographic explosion of those beavers
could be bigger than suspected because it can take years or even decades for
local inhabitants to notice the rodents’ presence and their impact on the
surrounding ecosystems.
'There could be populations of giant beavers moving around in
the continent and in the islands we don’t know anything about,' biologist
Giorgia Graells, of the Institute of Patagonia at Magallanes University and
lead author of the study, told Scientific American.”
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| Yellow and pink = beavers |
OK, that’s great. Thanks a lot. Now
we have to tackle the Giant Beaver Invasion and deal with The Threat.
First of all, let's be clear, masses of these bad boys can saw through the Amazon
rain forest in a couple of weeks. Peru,
Ecuador, Colombia, Costa Rica, Nicaragua, Panama, Honduras, Belize, and
Guatemala ― you’re next.
“The thing that people don’t realize about Chilean beavers
is when they get finished with the forest, they’ll mow down a city for desert”, said Dr.
Jerry Mathers, Professor of Beaver Behavior at Beaver Community College,
Beavertown, Pennsylvania. “I would take
this situation seriously.”
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| Dr. J. Mathers |
“It’s important for people to panic. Go ahead, run for your lives! This is no joke. Serious huge beavers are coming!” added Mathers.
Beavers have no known enemies in Central or South America
other than Rain Forest Maintenance guys taking hilarious and wildly off-target potshots.
Have you ever seen one of these things up close? Basically, it’s
a gigantic rodent with gigantic teeth and
a really nasty, gigantic and powerful flat tail that is used for sinking pilings, moving logs, and destroying small
craft.
Survival Strategy
Here is how we meet The Threat, contain The Threat, make The Threat feel better by giving it a real
job, and put The Threat to work.
This is done by lying and
exploiting the hell out of them.
First: Meet The Threat. Step up
and meet a quarter thousand them at a time.
Have tree appetizers. Strike up a
conversation or two. Say goodbye and point them north. If they haven’t torn through your Mennonite patio
furniture, consider yourself lucky.
Second: Contain
The Threat. Same as First, only with
booze.
Third: Make The Threat feel better by giving it a
real job. This is so obvious it’s ridiculous.
Beavers have the innate capability
of leveling forests and then damming-up lakes, rivers, and streams; but as yet they
do not exhibit any sense of Hydroelectric
Engineering. We can up the ante right
here by offering funding for college tuition.
Fourth: Make The Threat a hero everywhere so it stays
put. Assume that at this stage we’ve
wined and dined about a million beavers, then we split them up and lead beavers
to every river, stream, or rivulet throughout countries in South and Central
America then give them forests to level in locations where a Hydroelectric
Plant might not be a bad idea.
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| C.G. Spaniels |
“When you give beavers something to do other than randomly
chewing up trees, making dams wherever the hell they want, then on top of that making
love nests in them,” said C.G. Spaniels, Beaver Community College Professor
Emeritus, and Executive Director of the Bad Beaver Behavior Institute.
“Then
you have the opportunity to harness Evil
and turn it into something Good,”
 |
| Beaver Dam Completed |
Meanwhile assemble the George Foreman Hydroelectric Plant-in-a-Box. Stick it in front of the dam, payoff the
beaver who’s on night watch, hook it up, and clip the George Foreman Hydroelectric Plant Cable Gripper to a cable that
leads to an underserved city or even a metropolis. And let her rip!
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| George Foreman Hydroelectric Plant-in-a-Box Deployed |
Suddenly the city lights up and is now filled
with the sound of “I Love Lucy” in
Spanish! There will be spontaneous
dancing in the streets and a thirty-foot beaver statue will be unveiled at the
center of the town square.
Beavers will be heroes to those
cities. In fact, largely due their
heroics, they will be designated an endangered species and given
licensing rights to the “beaver” name and image.
“That is the typical psychological
subterfuge tactic employed by beavers,” said Mathers. “You think you’ve thwarted the beaver
epidemic, but what happens is they get to multiply and make massive amounts of money from sales of beaver-themed videos and merchandise. Goddamn them!”
There are satellite images indicating
that the strategy is bearing fruit. A
casino has just opened up in Ixtlxshxtl, a very, very remote
and creepy village on the Amazon about 1000 miles upstream.
So, to sum up:
Let’s get outa here!
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