The Center for Disease Control today announced its
investigation into the possible transmission of fainting goat behavior to
humans.
In case you haven't been on top of the American Livestock Breeds Conservancy Uncontrollable Breed Explosion Newsletter, here's what we're dealing with:
"A myotonic goat, otherwise known as the fainting goat, is a domestic goat whose muscles freeze randomly, then the animal collapses on its side, or more hilariously, on its back. When startled or really bored, younger goats will stiffen and fall over. Older goats learn to spread their legs or lean against a bar stool, then awaken during a commercial break to run around in an awkward, stiff-legged shuffle. Eventually they all come around but in the meantime it's a complete scream."
"A myotonic goat, otherwise known as the fainting goat, is a domestic goat whose muscles freeze randomly, then the animal collapses on its side, or more hilariously, on its back. When startled or really bored, younger goats will stiffen and fall over. Older goats learn to spread their legs or lean against a bar stool, then awaken during a commercial break to run around in an awkward, stiff-legged shuffle. Eventually they all come around but in the meantime it's a complete scream."
Instructional video here:
Dame Viola von Sackbutt und Taxi, Former Empress of the Austro-Hungarian Empire and current President of the Fainting Goat Festival in Marshall County, Tennessee, commented, "I die laughing when these things fall over. What kills me is when you get about 100 go down at the same time and it looks like that scene from the unedited version of Plan 9 From Outer Space. For me, and I'm speaking only for myself here, this is better than beaver catapulting."
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| Dame |
The Former Empress added that the festival is centered on goats but has activities including music, arts, festival games, crafts show, food vendors, and children's activities.
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| Children don festive costumes at the Divine Goat Human Sacrifice Parade |
Fainting goats have been proliferating in the state of
Wisconsin due to the absence of natural enemies such as Velociraptor.
As a result, fainting goats are all over the place and breeding like crazy. Humans have an innate capacity to want to care for creatures other than humans that fall over, stiffen up, and look like they are dead.
But it is human proximity or contact with fainting goats that has the CDC concerned.
“Right now, we don’t think this is a virus although it may
well be,” said Dr. Alfred "Woody" Spirococcus, of the CDC Goat Division. “Certain of my colleagues will disagree with this, and I'm not naming names, but according to my calculations, which you see right here behind me, there
is more cause for panic than alarm.”
is more cause for panic than alarm.”
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| Spirococcus |
Evidence of the transmission of fainting goat behavior among humans has been pouring in.
“The problem we’re seeing is fainting goat behavior in humans is all over the world,” said Dr. Dean Spheroid, Senior Barn Animal Adviser at the Placencia Domingo Think Tank. “That’s not funny, and I think almost anything is funny,” he added.
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| The public needs to have more information. |
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| Spheroid |
Richard Spinrad, Director of he CDC's Public Affairs Office, urged calm and issued a cautionary advisory to travelers who are going anywhere but the United States.
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| Spinrad |
Ready to be deployed at a moment’s notice, Major Fritz “Dead Stick” Launding-Ghere, of the Oneida County, N.Y., Air National Guard, said “Look, it’s either the goats or us.”
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| Launding-Ghere |
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| Specialist on narcolepsy not available for comment |
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| Waiting at the Dental Glück Zentrum in Vienna, Austria |
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| Prince George |
England’s Prince George, age 2, who recently assumed the position of Temporary Director of Behavioral Pharmacology, Lithuanian Literature, and Explosives at the Mary B. Flanagan Storm Door and Aluminum Siding Pharmaceutical Company based in Watford, Buckinghamshire, had this to say,
“We can wake everyone up. We have the technology. We have the chemistry. We have the know-how. But we have to get down to the source. Goats should not be watching the Weather Channel.”
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| Effect |
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| Cause |
Contributors to this article: Colonel Sanders, Colonel Parker, Captain Kangaroo, Captain Beefheart, Field Marshall Rommel, Jacques Cousteau, Jacques Clouseau, Tex Antoine, Marie Antoinette, Marie Sharpe's smoked habanero sauce, Mr. Green Jeans, the WallaWalla Border Collie Association, and the Leighton Buzzard Annual Asparagus Festival.
Special thanks to CNN's Anderson Cooper for moderating.
NO ANIMALS OR CHEERIOS WERE HARMED DURING THE WRITING OF THIS ARTICLE. THEY ALL SIGNED RELEASES AND THEN DID IT TO THEMSELVES. DOCUMENTATION IS AVAILABLE THROUGH:
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