Point-Counter-Point: "UBS revises mocked dress code"

http://www.thehour.com/story/497753

Dateline: GENEVA, January 18, 2011

By FRANK JORDANS
Associated Press

Good news for Swiss bankers: They may soon be allowed to wear red underwear, black nail polish -- and even eat garlic.

Swiss banking giant UBS AG said Monday (January 17, 2011) it is revising its 44-page dress code telling its Swiss staff how to present themselves, which generated worldwide ridicule for its micromanagement of their dressing and dining habits.

The code instructs employees on everything from their breath -- no garlic or onions, please -- to their underwear, which should be skin-colored.

"We're reviewing what is important to us," UBS spokesman Andreas Kern told The Associated Press.

He said the bank would issue a pared-down booklet with more general guidelines on how to impress customers with a polished presence and sense of Swiss precision and decorum.

The existing code tells female employees how to apply makeup, what kind of perfume to wear and what color stockings are acceptable. It advises them not to show roots if they color their hair and to avoid black nail polish.

"You can extend the life of your knee socks and stockings by keeping your toenails trimmed and filed," Zurich-based UBS told its female staff. "Always have a spare pair: stockings can be provisionally repaired with transparent nail polish and a bit of luck."

Men are told how to knot a tie, to make sure they get a haircut every month and to avoid unruly beards and earrings.

"Glasses should always be kept clean," the code instructs. "On the one hand this gives you optimal vision, and on the other hand dirty glasses create an appearance of negligence."

The guidelines also recommended that employees always wear wristwatches to signal "trustworthiness and a serious concern for punctuality."

The UBS style guide prompted derision and disbelief when it first surfaced last month, but Kern insisted it was still good for the bank's reputation in the long run.

"Everyone knows the staff in our banks strive for the perfect look," he said.

So will employees now be able to wear red underwear? Who checked to see if they did before? Kern declined to give specific examples of planned changes.

A spokesman for rival bank Credit Suisse said he understands what UBS was trying to achieve.

"Every Swiss bank with private or retail customers has some sort of guidelines," Marc Dosch said. "UBS has taken it to absurd lengths, but in general it's a good thing that people have some guidance."

He noted that banks aren't alone in telling their employees what to wear: "There are gas stations, burger bars and supermarkets where you have to wear ties, and even silly hats at Christmas," he said.

The 157-year-old UBS has a history of providing detailed advice for its employees, which numbered 65,000 worldwide at the end of 2009. A handbook for bank trainees gives a country-by-country behavior guide.

In Russia, it tells employees to be prepared to hold your drink at business engagements and to "never reject an invitation to the sauna."

In Latin America, "turning up before an appointment might even be considered rude."

And in the United States, it says, "never criticize the President."

[END STORY]

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I don’t know what has possessed the elders in Zurich to revise our dress code. Listen, I’m as modern as the next guy, but black nail polish just doesn’t go with my stuff anyway, although occasionally I could go for something in the lacy red Unterwäsche department.

Even before I began my mandatory dress code courses I never refused an invitation to the sauna while holding a drink, anywhere.

And being Swiss I don’t need any instruction on punctuality, thank you. Nevertheless I wear a wristwatch to signal my trustworthiness and my serious concern for punctuality. The face on my IWC Schaffhausen Portuguese Grande Complication is a little hard to read so I clean my glasses obsessively, maintaining optimal vision so I can see the bloody thing and don’t appear negligent and about to be tardy. Naturally I am synchronized with the NIST-F1 Cesium Fountain Atomic Clock which, although it is in the U.S. (Apologies to the Verband der Schweizerischen Uhrenindustrie FH), does not deserve criticism for dropping a second every 10,000 years any more than does the President of the United States.

In order to be late in Latin America, I have had to resort to extreme measures. I’ve discovered that it is hard to turn an atomic clock back, certainly not for me just because I’m in Latin America for a couple of days. So I think it’s a good idea to wear silly hats in Brazil, or Uruguay or wherever, especially if being Swiss I am going to be compulsively punctual for a reunión de negocios.

And while I’m waiting for my meeting to begin in Bolivia I can extend the life of my knee socks and stockings by keeping my toenails trimmed and filed. If in the stress of making my connection through Manaus my knee socks and stockings develop the runs they can be provisionally repaired with transparent nail polish and a bit of luck, both of which I always carry on my person for such emergencies.

Actually, it’s not a bad idea to get a monthly haircut and cover those unsightly roots while I am cooling my Santoni-clad heels in La Paz. Have you ever seen unsightly roots on a Bolivian person’s head? No way. You can smell the garlic and their ghastly perfume a mile away, but no matter how close you get to your Bolivian colleague you won’t see a single unseemly root.

In summary, I am always striving for the perfect look, thanks to the UBS style guide. Others with their unruly beards and earrings may have been prompted to deride, ridicule, and disbelieve what has become the foundation of UBS’s global success, but they’re all just slobs.