Oh boy! Let’s see, who wants to swap heads?

["Neuroscientist Says Human Head Transplant Is Possible" http://on.mash.to/169Pu9s ]

It’s encouraging that scientists, after discovering and celebrating the Higgs Boson (“God Particle”) they found last year -- a thing which is completely incomprehensible to everyone in the world --
have finally got down to brass tacks and come up with something useful.

Transplanting heads.

Of course, we all know that there are heads in cold storage waiting for bodies. Walt Disney and Ted Williams come to "mind" (ed. Don’t start!).

Anyway, this isn’t about heads waiting around, this is about trading up.

We’re talking about whose head would I rather have? Mine or Sarah Jessica Parker’s? My problem with Parker's head gets down to shoes, which are ungainly in 5" heels.

And where would my head go? Do I have to be attached to her? Then I've got the shoe problem and all her other issues.

Based on the news, which is based on some monkey head transplants, I imagine there are a lot of headless rhesus monkeys around. There would be a certain advantage to having a rhesus monkey body; like swinging on vines and swooping down on Seven-11. If the monkey got my body, it would definitely be trading down. If my head was attached to the monkey, I’d be "ahead" (ed. Stop this!), although the monkey body might not like sitting around watching Masterpiece Theater.

So now we have a lot of philosophical noodling to do. Mary Shelley stuck a little religion into her speculative work.  Neither Tim Burton nor Mel Brooks felt that it would benefit box office receipts to do so.  Victor Frankenstein could not be reached for comment.

But let’s not get all excited by this, it’s really just moving some body parts around, and it was inevitable that we’d figure this out at some point. 

Just ask the God Particle.  Wherever it is. 

[Stay tuned for: DNA Sensation. Growing Woolly Mammoths for Fun and Profit!]

Yes, (finally) a Time Machine that fits into a Computer Case!

I can tell you right now, schlepping my old Time Machine around is no joke. Heavy? Oh yeah! So I was pleasantly surprised to find that Ali Razeghi, an Iranian scientist predicted to be the Islamic nation’s reincarnation of Steve Jobs, has been working for 10 years on a Time Machine the size of a laptop (For the scoop read: "Iranian scientist claims to have invented 'time machine'")and he's apparently ramping up production right now in the heart of ”Silicon Mecca"; Iran's new hotbed of Islamic geekdom in downtown Tehran. Whilst "The Aryayek Time Traveling Machine" might be cheaper to manufacture in China, Razeghi's device has foretold that it will be stolen by the Chinese and used to turn out (future) cheap Space Jordans. So what do I have to sacrifice in exchange for a lighter Time Machine? Why, the Past, off course! "The Aryayek Time Traveling Machine" goes in only one direction -- forward -- to save weight. The Future it appears requires fewer components (hence less weight) than the Past. I for one don't really need to carry all that weight around, especially on planes. And in addition, I think my track record in mucking about with the Past on my old school "Goliath" time machine is less than stellar. It seems that no matter what I fiddle with -- The Market Crash of 1929, my parents, The Bay of Pigs, The Kennedy Assassinations, Bush vs. Gore -- I still end up slicing Imported Swiss cheese behind the counter at a ShopRite deli. As far my attempts at the Future, the "Goliath" produces a kind of murky brown sludge which I have no doubt the advanced technology in the The Aryayek Time Traveling Machine will clear up. And the Goliath said nothing about Ali Razeghi and the new Age of Iranian Time Travel. On this one I just don't think Goliath wanted me to know, lest I dump it. So there you have it -- the Future on your lap, light enough to take on a plane that you know for sure will land safely although late. And while you're up in the clouds, just attach your iphone to the Aryayek and sell all your Apple shares, buy lots of gold futures, and sign up for Korean lessons thanks to the The Aryayek Time Traveling Machine's predictions. Best of all I can now pack my bloated Goliath off to the scrap heap, taking some comfort in knowing that when I fire up my new lightweight Aryayek Time Traveling Machine the murky brown sludge that was once my Future will be nothing more than the murky brown sludge of my Past. The Aryayek Time Traveling Machine An Approximation